Shine

Ever since my memory started to take a hold, all i could ever remember was being a shy, introvert and charmless boy. I remember not having my opinions considered. I remember not getting the present i wanted for my birthday cause my brother had wanted something on that very same day. But i also remembered my brother and sisters taking care of me and having fun together all the time. Grudges and fights usually only lasts a day or 2. Never longer. All in all, i had quite a blessed primary, being the only chinese in the school; i had to speak Malay most of the time rendering the fluent BM and one more thing, the usually friendliness i had with the Malays rather than the chinese.

So when i entered my secondary period, where it's mostly chinese and everyone speaks English. I felt like a Martian which had landed just minutes ago. Fresh on Earth, i just smiled to everyone i saw. And then i overheard a Malay guy saying " Budak ni, entah bodoh ke cacat; asyik senyum je". Boy was i angry. But i couldn't show it. It was like the ability to speak was suck out of me. No, i can't. This isn't my place.

My mother had been a housewife for years and couldn't join me during the registration day. My dad had to work and only my eldest sis brought me there; and she left right after she made sure that i was comfortable in my seat near the registration booth. I was horrified by the idea of having to be in a new place; completely unknown to me. Which explains my pacification.

From that point onwards in my life, i realise something that my parents and my previous school had protected me from. There are plenty of smarter people in the world. (Victoria Institution being a premier school; students had to be top scorers and all rounders to be admitted) Also people with charisma and ways with people. I was stunted. A complete stop to my previous idea of being in the spot light. The kids here rides Mercs and Beemer to school. Had 10 ringgits just for their lunch. Me; in comparison just had 2 ringgits (1.20 for the train ride and 30 cents for the station bus ride home) Which means having 10 ringgits is like being a millionaire to me.

I didnt know why kids my age (14 in Form2) bought expensive gifts during the 14th day of the second month of the year. Gucci, Calvin Klein and Nike was gibberish to me. I rarely hang out with friends after school. (VI was in the heart of KL where most shopping complex is within walking distances) The truth is, i was short of money and i couldn't answer to their call for an outing. There was once when i deprived my self of lunch the whole week just to save 50 cents a day. And i got 10 ringgits a month saved. That went on for a while until i finally managed to buy my very first originial CD.(RM 34.90) I was happy.

Then in Form3, when my pocket money had finally increased to Rm5 a day; everything was still in slow motion. I'd eat Rm 1 in the canteen and saved up 2 ringgits a day. That's Rm40 a month. That went on for a while too. Until i saved enought to get my very own CD player.

The truth is; i was never good hanging out with people. I could never charm girls. I was not a good looking kid. And i had nothing more than 1 ringgit to spare. I had always envied kids that had parents fetching them home. Kids that are good with words and always able to joke about anything and had a bunch of people always following them. That was really things i couldn't do and never really can still today.

Then i realized, i rather be myself happily rather than trying to someone that i'm not. I was the first to have a CD player among the kids in my school. Which comes from my own money. I realized i had something within me that other kids doesn't have. At that very moment, i know that i am already who i have always wanted to be.

Not perfect and always working hard to be :) Never the centre of attention but tried to live to the expectation. Liked having real friends. Friends that matters :)